I think a big part of growing up and getting older is noticing various changes in your personality. I think that there came a point in my life when I decided that staying alive trumped my need to be happy. I focused more on ignoring my self destructive thoughts instead of thinking about what was best for my emotional health. It became a full-time job in a way. I woke up and did what I needed to do and then I went to sleep at the end of the day, I didn’t really feel a whole lot, nor do I remember most of those days.
I remember one of the things I used to say a lot was “I’m going to shoot you with a marshmallow gun”. I said that in place of terms like shut up or you’re dumb. It became kind of a catch phrase of sorts, it was one of my quirks.
At some point at the beginning of 2017 I stopped saying that. That was one of my lower points in my life, I was living with my mom’s parents and watching my brother’s life and emotional stability crumbling a little bit. I had to deal with my family falling apart but I couldn’t do jack shit about it because I was just 16. I lost my quirks around then, I lost a lot of what made me Mary. I used to be that girl that dressed absurdly and acted silly and was an all-around fun person to be with. I had my flaws, yes, but people still loved me for who I was.
Once I lost all my little quirks that people found so interesting, I found myself retreating. I did not sit with people at lunch, I did not talk to people in class and I didn’t talk to people outside of school. It was truly the lowest point in my life.
In March of 2017, I went to a house for Runaways. It is a house where you can stay for up to two weeks, you are fed and get your own bed each night. Towards the end of my stay, I realized that moving back in with my mother’s parents wasn’t the best thing to do for my health. So, I talk to my dad’s parents about moving in with them. That’s when Yaya, my wonderful grandma, said that I could move in with her.
She picked me up late at night from the safehouse, where she took me directly to her house and gave up the master bedroom for me. I was incredibly grateful for just getting a house to stay in, but she didn’t stop there. She made me breakfast every morning and packed a lunch for school everyday. She bought me new clothes, school supplies and just about anything else I needed for daily life. That was more than my other grandparents would ever do for me.
After I moved in with Yaya, I noticed some new quirks coming back. I never regained my old quirks, but I made new ones. I started making my own jokes that probably don’t make sense to anyone else, I started smiling, and I started talking to more people at school.
Moving in with Yaya was possibly the best decision of my entire life. She has helped me so much, she pays for my medication, anything I need for daily life, and has taken me on family vacations. She doesn’t have to do any of this, but she does it anyways. I think that’s what love is.
Learning to be Strong 